Four Ways to Prevent Sea Monster Attacks

Girl with Sea Monster
Yeah, you should turn around.

Don’t expect your local news source to report it. Don’t expect your college-educated liberal know-it-all neighbor to discuss it. But more importantly, don’t live in ignorance yourself.

Not so long ago, when the media wasn’t controlled by soul-sucking corporate interests, sea monster attacks routinely made headlines. Shortly before the advent of the printing press, in the days when men thought more clearly and times weren’t as tough as they are now, sea monster stories carried more weight. Today, news organizations won’t cover the gobbling down of innocent sailors and others minding their own business on beaches, sea shores, and river banks.

With our modern lack of reportage on sea monster attacks, you might fall victim to such travesties by unknowingly putting yourself at risk. Thankfully you’ve found this article and should memorize these techniques:

1. If You’ve Got a Bikini Body, Go Ahead and Strip Down: Don’t believe what you’ve seen in Hollywood. Sea monsters never attack attractive people in bikinis. They shy away from the taste of coconut oil on bronzed skin. Sea monsters prefer the taste of ugly people. If you’ve let yourself go, stay covered up at the beach and protect yourself from the threat of an attack. Better yet, get that bikini body back with hard work and self deprivation, and then put the bikini back on. Invite article authors over to apply coconut oil.

2. Stay Off the Boat: You’ve seen the footage a million times. Sea monsters eat boats and the people floating in them. Don’t run this risk. These days they’ll send out search and rescue teams to find your body parts and it eats up tax payer dollars. It’s the modern age, put on your bikini and fly in an airplane. If you absolutely must use a boat, select a warm destination on an exotic isle with plenty of topless beaches and invite an article author to go along with you. You may still be attacked, but someone will be with you to immortalize your final moments in a bullet-point list.

3. Don’t Be Complacent if You’re Not Near the Sea: Sea monsters do travel and they are quite happy in warm water, cool water, fresh water, salt water, and even toilet water. Next time you’re reading a scandal magazine on the potty, keep one ear alert. A monster might be sneaking up the pipe to bite you in the butt. You’ll know an attack is imminent if you hear a splashing sound and smell an unusually strong odor.

4. Beware of Sea Monster Technology: The advent of sonar, global positioning satellites, and rocket propelled grenade launchers may have made sea monsters more deadly, but their fascination with liposuction and plastic surgery allows them to live stealthily among us. Ask yourself this: Is there something odd about one of your co-workers? Is someone at church particularly quirky? Is your significant other occasionally annoying? You may want to research the situation more carefully. Use a wet towel and snap them on the ass; if they scream, they may be a sea monster.

Count yourself lucky to have unearthed these important skills so often censored by mainstream media sources. Take time to memorize before leaving home today and pass word along to those you love. Have a great body, wear a bikini, invite an author to go with you to exotic destinations, and snap your so-called “friends” with a wet towel. Effectively implementing these strategies should help you avoid sea monster attacks.