There are transvestite jokes on this page!
Actually a whole musical dedicated to Paris Hilton ... and transvestites.
And your abandoned pets when Jesus takes you home.
Maybe nobody should ever have written this.
Do NOT proceed unless you're a grown-up.
And understand humor ... even when it's not funny.

¿Creepy? Transvestites in Paris Hilton-ville

The Saga of What Will Happen to Your Pets After the Apocalypse
An opera (cuz dats m'thang) for toy piano, ukulele, and piccolo


In the days after the rapture, nearly everyone ascended into the heavens in a cataclysmic apocalypse, and yet one cloying fact couldn't be ignored: God left the pets behind ... and the transvestites ... and Paris Hilton. Really? As time runs out for the men of Earth, bound together by their unworthy soullessness and their surreal fashion choices, the boys turn to their leader and her bible, Confessions of an Heiress, to establish the next great civilization (and awesome doggie day-care service). This is their story.

Please do NOT feed the dogs.


And so cometh the end of the world...


  1. End of the world video.
  2. Murder! Murder! … and Dogs!
  3. The gang attempt to understand Paris: Dance with a Scarecrow: Key of Ab PDF
  4. Brooklyn and Paris Fall in Love: Dull Men's Club: Key of C PDF

Confessions of an Heiress

  1. BE BORN INTO THE RIGHT FAMILY. Choose your chromosomes wisely. This may seem like ludicrous advice, but actually it isn't. If an heiress is in control of everything, why shouldn't she be in control of who she's born to? You know how everyone always says there are no accidents? Well, I believe you choose who you're born to. And if you do have the misfortune of being born into the wrong family, remember: No one has to know. Airing family laundry is definitely a big no-no for an heiress. You can always reinvent yourself and your lineage if you have to. Half of Park Avenue and Bel Air have. Lineage can be a state of mind.
  2. HAVE A GREAT NAME. If you are going to be an heiress, you can't have a normal name, unless you're British. All British people have plain names, and that works pretty well over there. But in America, you've got to have a name that stands out. I love my name. Paris is my favorite city. And Paris without the P is "heiress," isn't it? In sixth grade, people would make fun of me and call me "France" or "London." Well, I'm going to name my own daughter Paris! An heiress needs to have a glamorous -- or a really cute -- name. My sister Nicky's name is cute. An heiress's dog also needs to have a cute name. My teacup Chihuahua is named Tinkerbell, so she acts like a Tinkerbell. If you have a cute name, you will act cute. If you have a glam name, you will act glam. It's that simple. Future moms should make a note of that.
  3. HAVE ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS SKIN, BUT DON'T FRET OVER IT. Pile makeup on and never, ever have a breakout. Perfect skin is a birthright, and it means you can never really take a bad photograph. No amount of junk food or Coca-Cola can change your skin. And if, God forbid, it does, have a great makeup artist standing by. It can't hurt.
  4. EAT ONLY FAST FOOD OR THE MOST FABULOUS FOOD. Greasy chips or perfect crab cakes. Cotton candy or caviar. Fast food or fois gras. French fries or black-pepper shrimp from the Ivy in L.A. Cheesy junk or expensive cheese. Being an heiress is all about extremes.
  5. DEVELOP A WAY OF ENTERING A ROOM THAT LOOKS ROYAL AND REGAL BUT NOT SNOBBY. Learn how to pose in an onslaught of flashing lights without blinking. (Note to celebrities: You can always improve.) Always know your best angle -- for your body and your face -- and work it. Study your own pictures and you'll figure it out.
  6. NEVER, EVER WAKE UP BEFORE TEN; NEVER GO TO BED BEFORE THREE. Normal hours are for normal people. You never want to be normal. Anyone can be normal. How boring. I'm yawning.
  7. ALWAYS TELL EVERYONE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. Then do what you want. That way, no one ever gets mad at you. They get very confused, then blame it on themselves. If anyone confronts you, smile sweetly and act coyly. Particularly with guys. And bosses. Try not to have bosses if you can avoid them. Or have your manager deal with them.
  8. NEVER HAVE ONLY ONE CELL PHONE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE MANY. Lose one all the time. That way, if you haven't called someone back, you can blame it on the lost phone. It's very important to get a new model the minute it comes out. Nokias, Ericksons, Motorolas -- those are the coolest. Always have at least two numbers: a friend line and a business line. If I feel like avoiding a call, I answer my phone in a phony British accent and say, "Hello, Paris Hilton's line," or something like that. I do that if I'm expecting a call from a guy I've changed my mind about and I don't want to have dinner with him anymore. Every woman has the right to change her mind from time to time; therefore heiresses have more of a right.
  9. NEVER WEAR THE SAME THING TWICE. This is particularly important if you're going to be photographed a lot, which I am. If you double up, people will think you have only one outfit -- and that's annoying. And untrue.
  10. DON'T WEAR A DRESS THAT'S IN ALL THE MAGAZINES. That's for girls with no imagination who just buy what magazines tell them to buy. Look for the cool, unusual dress that no one else has the nerve to wear. Dare to be different. Dare to wear colors and prints. All the boring New York socialite girls wear black. Do you ever see a girl in a magazine wearing black? I don't think so. Don't run out and buy the bag of the moment or the dress of the moment. I like expensive things, but I like cheap things, too. I like anything that's cute and makes me happy. I haven't met too many clothes I didn't like -- except black clothes.
  11. IF YOU'RE HAPPY, WEAR PINK. If you're depressed, wear black. Black is for people who don't want to have fun with clothes and who are always hiding -- in other words, depressed. No one with a truly great body wears black, trust me. And if you really want to stand out and be confident, wear white.
  12. MAKE PLANS, PLANS, AND MORE PLANS. Invite everyone you know to come along. If there aren't enough hours in the day, don't worry, there will be. You live in a different time zone: Heiress Time.
  13. ACT DITZY. LOSE THINGS. It throws people off and makes them think you're "adorable," and less together than you really are.
  14. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, ACT BORED. Not boring. There's a huge difference.
  15. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION ARE OKAY, in limited amounts, but only with your serious boyfriend, because that's exactly what someone with a famous family name is NOT supposed to do. It makes other boys think you're dangerous, so they will all want you, too. Guys like women they're a little afraid of. No, make that a lot afraid of.
  16. ALWAYS HAVE A VERY BIG BODYGUARD. It intimidates guys. If a guy does have the nerve to approach you when your bodyguard is around, you know he's got to be pretty fearless.
  17. ALWAYS HAVE A TAN. It looks like you've been in an exotic (i.e., expensive) place. It can never look fake, even if it is. Get the spray-on tan, so it doesn't get all over your clothes.
  18. CHANGE YOUR HAIRSTYLE ALL THE TIME. Everyone expects you to have the same hairstyle in every photo, and only dull people do that. Tell everyone you're wearing hair extensions even if you aren't, because they don't expect you to tell them.
  19. NEVER DRINK DIET SODA. It shows you have no nerve. Only drink real colas, caffeine-packed energy drinks, or Vitamin Water. Hate champagne, because that's what everyone expects you to love. Energy drinks are the best party drinks. You never get tired. You never have a hangover. And you can make fun of all the loaded people who think they're clever but are really acting stupid.
  20. FEAR NOTHING -- EXCEPT INSECTS. And sweaty guys who insist on kissing you when they come up to say hello. There's nothing worse than a sweaty guy who kisses you on both cheeks. Once is bad enough, but to have to go through it twice is really two times too much.
  21. NEVER BE PREDICTABLE. Always surprise people. That way, they will never get tired of you.
  22. IF THE MEDIA PLAYS WITH YOU, WELL, PLAY WITH THEM. I went on Saturday Night Live soon after my name was in the headlines every day for something I wasn't too proud of, and which had really upset my family. On "Weekend Update" with Jimmy Fallon, the script had him asking me, "Is it hard to get a room in the Paris Hilton? Is it roomy?" and he wanted to cut it. But I wouldn't let him. No way. That was the funniest line. And I got the upper hand with the media the moment he said it on national TV. That's when it all clicked and things started to change. People knew I could laugh at myself, and that one bad incident was not going to make me lock myself in my room.